Deja vu is such a weird and belittling experience. It gives you this out of body feeling that makes you seem so small. It forces you to realize you really have no control over your own life. These have been the feelings I’ve been facing this week.
Most of you know this already, but in case you didn’t read my Facebook post I’ll repeat it. My grandmother, my dad’s mom to be exact, died on Sunday. It was a relatively sudden death, but I did learn on Thursday night that she would most likely be passing within a week’s time due to a heart attack, pneumonia, her kidneys completely shutting down, etc. So, praise God, I was able to call her that night and have one last conversation with her and let her know how much I loved her.
She lived in Nashville, TN so the drive was too great for me to make the trip down to see her. My dad though made the journey over the weekend and ended up getting there a mere two hours before she passed. She was completely unconscious by that time, but he was so incredibly thankful that him and his sister had made it in time.
The deja vu comes into place here.
You see, 8 1/2 years ago, a similar event took place. It was December 1st 2008 and it was my grandfather, my dad’s dad, that was on his death bed. He had very suddenly took a turn for the worst and my dad and aunt were en-route to see him one last time. But they were flying to Nashville instead of driving and their plane was tragically delayed. That time they had missed my grandfather’s passing by a mere hour.
Losing my grandfather brought be into a very dark and depressed state. Just 3 days after his death I crashed my car into a tree after hitting black ice (my first and only accident I’ve ever had BTW). I was extremely shaken up over this near death experience for me.
My family had left to attend my grandpop’s funeral. No, I did not go to it. I couldn’t. I was physically incapable of coming to the realization that he was actually gone. Part of me will always mourn his passing. Just like my grandmom’s passing will always stay with me now.
For 3 whole days I laid alone in my house, unable to go anywhere because of my wrecked car, and just prayed and thought about what I’m doing with my life. My heart was set on finding a guy, getting a married, and having kids. But what if it wasn’t what God had for me? I was in my Catering/Baking business, but it had barely taken off the ground, should I grow it more? I was in debt to my dad because of school payments and lack of funds coming in through my business, was there anything I could do about it? I’m going to be 22 and still living at home, is this going to be my forever life?
These were the questions going through my head not just those 3 days, but for the next 3 months. During January 2009 I cried out to God like I have never cried out before. I yearned and sought after Him like my life depended on it, because it did. Most people see me as this over joyous and positive person. And for the majority of my days (especially the last few years) this is a true assumption. But what you may not know is I have, and still sometimes, struggle deeply with depression. God has delivered me from about 99% of it, but before that there have been 3 major times in my life where it hit me hard; the ages of 14, 18, and 21. I won’t get into extreme details because it’s just too personal, but I do want to share with you a glimpse into my mind during that latest time.
I wrote a poem on the brink of my breakthrough out of the dark oblivion. I’ve shared this poem on Facebook a few years ago, but I’ve never shared the circumstances surrounding this writing. I hope you find encouragement in it:
“Edge of Oblivion”
by Laura Gibson January 2009
An unseen wind whips the skirt around her,
The blinding sun turns the rock a gentle amber,
A runaway tear drop quickly dries in the breeze,
Out of her lips sputter fervent pleas,
Lord, have you forgotten me?
Her feet are balanced on the edge of oblivion,
This sinner deserved to be thrown into this empty canyon,
Her mind releases all the many reasons why,
Each breath felt like a consuming lie,
Lord, have you deserted me?
In a silent blink ballet slippers caress tiny feet,
Wandering young eyes behold the vacant front seat,
Longing to be wanted and wanting to feel love,
Her eyes turn inward rather than above,
Lord, have you abandoned me?
Clouds of white linen surround her delicate frame,
There’s a ring less finger and an unchanged last name,
The missing soul stands out in the crowded hall,
Life joys have become a dreary rainfall.
Lord, have you left me alone?
Darkness engulfs the lone figure on the cliff,
Cold faced she stands tall and stiff,
Unloved and rejected by mankind,
Masks and shackles will no longer spellbind.
Lord, have you forsaken me?
Before her feet slip into the dark chasm,
A warm light blushes her cheek as a cherry blossom,
A gentle breeze sends peace into her soul,
Tears of a different kind fall in ways she can’t control.
My daughter, I will never forget you.
Her feet fall back as a dove-like voice speaks her name,
Extraordinary, special, and loved he says she may claim,
For no child of His will be abandoned or left alone,
Instead she is a precious gem to enthrone.
My bride, I will never forsake you.
To her knees she falls on the brink of eternity,
She had come as a child and left with maturity,
Trials and strife made her extraordinary and lovely inside,
In His loving arms she is His daughter and bride!
After I wrote that poem God brought me to the book of Psalms. I had never before read this verse prior to this date in late January 2009. It is now my favorite verse and I quote it often: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
I finally got clarity. I FINALLY saw hope. I FINALLY understood. Joy overwhelmed my soul. I realized then that I didn’t need to worry. I didn’t need to doubt God’s plan. This was because the more joy that ran through my veins and the more I just consumed myself in Jesus; the more my desires would match His and that He would grant me these desires. God gives us these desires in our hearts for a reason; it’s because He wants the best for us.
It’s so hard to explain the revelation I had in words, but the bottom line was that I experienced pure joy for the first time in my life. I put EVERYTHING into God’s hands; my desires for a Husband (including a list of things I was looking for in my husband), the desire to have a successful business, and to have a family one day.
One month later. Count it! One. Month. Later. I met Andrew. BTW He met all but one thing on my list, lol.
My business doubled that year as well.
A year and a half later we were married. Just under 3 years later we welcomed little Riker Gabriel into the world.
My life is a continual work in progress. I have had so many countless trials since that date as well. But if you want to know why I stay positive no matter what; that is why. I have seen miracles, I have seen what God can do when we put a mess of clay onto his potter’s wheel; He makes masterpieces!
So as I sit here in the midst of this deja vu moment, in a mess of questions contaminating my every thought. I can’t help what wonder…
What does God desire next for my life?
Have you experienced similar situations? What miracles have you seen? Please let me know in the comments!