Searching for the Right Shade

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Tell me I’m not the only 30 year old woman who has woken up from a restless night and just laid there thinking “What am I supposed to do with my life”?

I’m a strong christian, happily married, have an adorable almost 4-year-old, I’m a positive joyful person, seem to have my life completely together, yet I am the first person to admit that I have no idea what I’m doing. Sure I have countless hopes and dreams, zillions of ideas, and several paths I could possibly take, but… I’m having a 3rd decade crisis realizing I don’t know which next step I’m supposed to take in life.

God spells it out saying “I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you”. Praise God they are fantastic plans! But Lord, can you just spell out for me what they are? I have a whole palette of beautiful colors to choose from; which do I use?! Do I mix and blend or go bold and simple?

I’m a planner, I love knowing what is next, at what time and how long. So when God says to “walk by faith and not by sight” I get over come with my fear of the dark and start envisioning the vashta narada are there waiting to pick my bones dry! (Doctor Who reference)

I had the opportunity this week to be a part of a christian writer’s conference in Montrose the past couple of days. It was an enlightening experience of learning what it would be like to have a book or other writings of mine published. I met with prospect editors, agents, publishers, and talked with fellow writers getting their input on my works and picking their brains for advice in this new world for me.

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I got a mix of pessimistic, optimistic, detailed, and vague responses. On a positive note all of then loved my works and thought I had great potential, but the conflict ran in what I should do next.

One lady strongly suggested I needed a bachelors or masters degree to be taken seriously and to get more connections. (goodbye 4 or 6 years of my life) One man said christian fiction no longer sells in this market, non fiction was the way to go. One lady said self publishing all the way, another said strive for a small publisher, while yet another said go for the big publishers. Some said no agent needed, while others strongly encouraged it. Even the right word length for a novel was debated.

I learned so much yet feel I have more questions than ever before!

My whole life is full of questions right now. Questions on career, to adopt or not, playwright or novels, where is God leading us, lose weight or be happy, and what in the world am I supposed to be doing next?!

I’m relying so heavily on the One who holds all the answers right now.

My favorite verse is “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” As I continue to strive more to be connected into His delight, I’m believing that answers will soon come…stay tuned!

reading

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